It’s officially been one month since my reconstruction surgery. At least the first phase (some people have more than one phase to fix things). The past month has been a blur. I feel like I have slept the bulk of this month away. I was never a big napper before surgery, I struggle to fall asleep during the day and feel like a nap does not contribute to a productive day. However, I have learned to love my daily naps and will greatly miss them when I have to go back to work.
I’ve been struggling with my recovery though. Not so much in a physical sense, as my incisions are healing nicely, my flaps appear to have taken wonderfully and I got most of my drains out a week post-surgery. My struggle comes from the mental aspect. I feel like I should be doing things. I’m sitting at home most days and look around and think “Oh I should clean that, oh I should organize that, I should take advantage of this time”. Then I do none of it, lay on the couch for hours and feel lazy. I’ve had to have people remind me “YOU JUST GOT CUT OPEN AND NEED TO HEAL” (yes yelling because I’m stubborn). I’ve done a few things (some laundry, dishes, grocery shopping etc.) but my house is a disaster.
Vulnerable moment warning. I’m mad at my recovery. Not that I didn’t bounce back immediately, not that I don’t have perfect results (my stomach is flatter than it has been since I was in my early 20s), but that I’m having to do it all alone. Ok, maybe not ALONE (my parents have been saints taking care of me and the girls, we stayed with them for 2 weeks), but now that we are back at our house, I have zero help regularly. I don’t have a partner to take on any of the load of daily life (transporting girls to and from school, cleaning up, grocery shopping, prepping dinner, dealing with bed time). And this makes me angry and resentful. Lots of woe is me feelings that I was left to go through life alone, that I have to be everything for the girls because someone else isn’t stepping up. When I do ask for help (which I’m getting better at), I feel like a burden. And once the help is given, I feel like I owe the person that helped me. I feel guilty for asking for help.
I will keep pushing forward though, just like I have for two and a half years so far. I should be going back to work soon, which will be both frustrating (trying to get the girls ready to go while I’m working, having a set amount of time I can’t do anything, no naps!), and a return to normal that will hopefully propel me forward.
In the meantime, I’m giving myself grace to rest and allow my body to heal so that I can move on and move mountains.
Sunshine and HoneyBunch 