Yes I’m still here

“Don’t be afraid of your fears. They’re not there to scare you. They’re there to let you know that something is worth it.”

C. JoyBell C.

Hi there, remember me? It’s been a while, hasn’t it. Life has been nothing short of a whirlwind since I last updated. Some home remodeling, some medical stuff, some job changes. All sorts of things. More things for me to navigate, which has been a struggle lately. The weight of being a single mom seems to get heavier and heavier, even though I have almost 4 years’ experience at this point.

But I’m trying to make the best of it. So, let’s catch up, shall we?

Since my last post, I’ve done a few things around the house. I rebuilt my pantry (with the help of my dad) and updated both girls’ bedrooms. I stripped all the wall paper out of my dining room finally and was able to find a paint color that I’d like to use all around my house. I’ll do a separate post with all of the DIY details another day.

I got myself completely out of debt (other than my house) and traded in my van, which I loved, to downsize to a sedan. For the first time since 2006-ish, I have ZERO credit card debt. I learned how to use my credit cards responsibly and now am racking up rewards paying for my regular monthly expenses.  By next year, I may be able to pay for a cruise with them! I miss my van most days (especially in the winter when I don’t have my heated steering wheel), but reducing the monthly payment, insurance AND gas is well worth the gloves I need to wear. For the first time in my life, I had 100% say in which vehicle I purchased. Is it my dream car? Far from it, but it does the job and should last me for a while. Which is nice, because I plan for it to be Sunshine’s car when she gets her license…in 5 years!

I had my last (planned) surgery for my cancer. In September I had a secondary revision of my reconstruction. The goal of the initial reconstruction was to transplant the tissue and just make sure it survived. How it “looked” wasn’t the ultimate goal. Fortunately, my reconstruction was a success, so I got to have the cosmetic touches done and can finally put that behind me. Recovery was much easier this time and I was just about fully functional two weeks post-surgery.

What else?

Oh, after 16.5 years at my company, I was laid off in February. There was no warning. My team had been told the end of last year we were safe and then there was a change in upper management. My team was decimated. About half of us were let go, most of us with more than 15 years tenure with the company. I cried for 2 days. Not about this job specifically, as it wasn’t a dream job, but because I didn’t know what I was going to do. I still don’t to be honest. I have a job interview next week. I hope I get it, because I’ve already received 4 rejections. I try to tell myself that “the world is my oyster”, but right now it’s not feeling that way. Fortunately, I will receive a severance that should cover the girls and I for a little bit if this interview doesn’t pan out, but the uncertainty is something to which I’m not accustomed. I began working for this company fresh out of college. It’s the only “big girl” job I’ve ever had. I will tell you something though. I no longer feel the need to be “loyal” to a corporation that will remove me at any point. I will work, do my job to the best of my abilities, but I won’t tie my self-worth to a job ever again.

I will be honest and say I’ve been struggling since I was laid off. My emotions have run the gamut from devastation at how I will support the girls to glee at the opportunity to look for a new career without the stress of trying to balance my current one. The majority of the time though I find myself aimlessly wandering around the house, scrolling through my phone, or napping when I’m not truly tired. I had always thought to myself how great it would be to have endless hours to learn new things, or explore my creative side, or get my house back in order. And here I am almost 6 weeks out, and I feel like I have nothing to show for it.

I was talking to a friend today about these thoughts and what I’ve gone through the past 4 years. How I feel like what I’ve done over the past 4 years is nothing special because I didn’t have a choice. My friend told me I did, I could have given up but I chose not to. I of course argued this point, because I vehemently deny that I had the choice to give up. We don’t see eye to eye on this, and I doubt we ever will.

The topic of this blog came up and I mentioned how I had fallen off with this blog, because I felt like my words weren’t anything special, that my story wasn’t anything special. My friend has heard the stories of the past 4 years, but didn’t get to witness them firsthand. I think this has created a skewed view of me, that the way I’ve discussed the past makes it seem like I’ve done more extraordinary things than I actually have. I was reminded that there might be someone out there going through something like I did, and that having my words to read may help. I wish I had had someone else’s words to guide me through any of the things I went through.

So, I decided to take my friend’s advice and start this back up. I’ll admit I’ve had the beginning of this post sitting open on my computer for a month. I felt like too much time had passed and too many things had happened for me to just jump back in. But I’ve been told lately that I need to take more risks and have faith. Something I haven’t been able to do since I was in my early twenties. I lost my sense of safety a long time ago, and have avoided just about any risk I can. I’m in uncharted territory for me now. As of April 29^th, I’ll be fully unemployed for the first time since 2006. I’m terrified.

I’m going to work on embracing the fear and uncertainty. My future is a blank slate and its up to me to write the story.